I am looking at a stack of cash. It’s probably the most cash I’ve had at once. I’m still a couple hundred short for the immediate deposit, and another 2000 short for the rest which is due I-don’t-know-when.
I am not really the type to worry about money, which makes me also not the type to save money. Money is kind of a dirty word in my head. I realize the gravity of this shortcoming, especially in light of current affairs. So, I was most impressed with myself for being able to stash away this much, for a personal journey, no less. As a means to an end, not Just in Case. However, I am SOOO tempted to blow it right now.
“Don’t worry about it and the money will come to you.” But the deadline is coming and I’m broke and there are so many things I want to do right now. What about, “Don’t worry about it and the opportunity will come to you?” But what about seizing opportunities when the come? But what about the rest of my plans, that will surely involve opportunities like this again and again. That’s the hope anyway. Hope. Another semi-dirty word.
It’s hard for me to nail down what I really want. I am a negativity avoider and a worst-case scenarioist. I want to be a positivity embracer. As Neil puts it in Emergency: “They die happy dreaming of heaven. We die miserably worrying about hell.” Please note that neither one survives.
The Law of Attraction says that what you think is what you create. I want to think and BELIEVE that the money I need will come, that the love I need will come, that the work I want will come, and I want to go seek out those things. In order to do that I face working myself to the brink of insanity or at least deep into the bowels of sleep-deprivation and crabbiness. I face soul-crushing and life-altering rejection. Or I face success in everything which has a whole new set of unknown hurdles and expectations. No great thing was ever acheived with the guarantee of success. I really just need to have more faith in myself that I can handle whatever the consequences of my actions may be, for better or worse, and the knowledge that hopefully (adding a quarter to the swear jar) things are working out the best for me in the long run.
So am I to leave my savings untouched and wait for the rest of it to roll in, and give up stressing about it? I’d love to do that. But that’s delayed gratification, something I hate and see almost as punishment.
Do I take it off the shelf and spend it tweaking my car, so that I don’t run it into the ground and have to face spending the wad on a rusty hoopty anyway? That’s my negativity avoidance speaking. Unpleasant yet practical…
Do I use it toward my craft, do I spend it on a treasure hunt, do I use it to get things that make me feel better day by day? Embrace the positive?
Do I use it for things I’ve needed to buy for some time?
Do I do more research and base this decision on logic and reality rather than whims and impulses, like I usually do?
I think I know the right answer. But if anyone has any suggestions, I am wide open.
Love,
CAT