So, since I’m foregoing all my fabulous plans tonight in favor of staying in bed under 6 blankets and still somehow freezing to death, I thought I’d blog. You know, to pass the time. So, don’t expect much, I guess, is what I’m getting at. I’m just waiting for Tropic Thunder to finish downloading. Only two hours of rambling. Dig it.
So work, as of late, is becoming an increasingly miserable place to be, leaving me to go home with something akin to rotten oatmeal that fills my soul by the end of the day. Which brings me to my first thought of the evening, gossip.
Gossip is one of those things that is just plain bad for you. The quickest way to the self-destruction of any group of people is to turn on one another and that’s the only thing gossip does. I personally defend it as “getting things off my chest”. I believe the information I spread, whether I’ve seen in with my own eyes or have anecdotal evidence to back up my opinion, and am looking for somone else who believes it too, someone to commiserate with…possibly the worst form of friendship. I don’t save these things for my journal of even for telling people I don’t work with because they don’t care. I know what I do, what we ALL do is wrong and bad and is going to end up in nothing but hurt feelings, but there’s little way to avoid it. Today I was hearing rumblings of bad vibes and I said, “rise above it. We’re here for the kids, ONLY.” But I’ll be damned if I didn’t see something that lit my fire and caused me to forget abot the kids and go right down that twisted rabbit hole of hatred and venom. Life and relationships are like, hard and stuff.
“Just tell them how you feel.”
Thanks, I’d like to keep my job.
“Even though you hate being there for most of your waking hours? Isn’t that a waste of your life, not being happy where you are?”
Look, to pay my rent I need a job. I have no one to rely on should I lose it, then it’s back to Oregon. F——– THAT.
“Then find a different job. One closer to home. Check that little Lutheran preschool up the street.”
The place I’m at now has always been up and down. I’m sure it’ll go up again. At some point this will all come to a head and we’ll have it out (preschool teacher cagematch!) and everything will be hunky-dory again…right?
“Whatever you say, Cat.”
Dammit. Sussed me out.
“Yep”
Ok, second point of the night: what I’m happy about.
“Great”
Ok. um. Ummmm…umumumumumummm…..
“…..Really?”
Come onn, I’m sick!!! All I’ve done is eat and sleep for the past week which makes me feel totally crappy, and have gotten up to go to work, which makes me feel even crappier!!! What??
“You have a body to be sick, a job that desperately needs you to be there, friends that miss you and want you to feel better.”
You had to go there. My kids, my friends yeah…but the body?
“Hey, that’s all your choices there, don’t even drag me into that clusterfuck. I made it perfect, you’ve torn it to shreds. You have allll the tools you need to fix it, so…”
God, you’re a jerk.
“:)”
…..
“Ok, so can I ask you what in the hell happened last night?? You were on your way to church, and at the last minute you went grocery shopping instead?? WTF?”
Yeah, that. Sorry. I wanted to go, but I got a little worried. I feel like such a poser there. I know no one could tell, but it bothers me. I don’t know if it bothers me that I’m there in the first place or if it bothers me that I’m so resistant to the every facet of it.
“Stop being so dramatic. You are not. You’re worried about what people will think if you believe in God?”
Yes.
“You weren’t worried in second grade when you told those little brats that you DIDN’T believe in God.”
Yeah, and look what happened. Maybe I should’ve been. Thanks for that by the way. They’re a real testament to how cool your people are.”
“They’re kids. Sometimes they misinterpret things. Even things with the best of intentions. And you worry about the dummbest shit anyway. You second guess every action you take, you worry about how you look, what you do, why you do it, who you are, who you like, why you like them and what you can do to get them to like you back! Don’t you realize this is ALL part and parcel of who you are and everything’s the way it it because it’s going to fall into place for you later? Shit, Cat. Be a little patient.”
You’re telling ME to be patient!?! I’ve been patient my whole life!! I’ve been pretty damn good!! What the fuck, Yo? When the hell are you going to be on my side!?!
“You’re asking me to be on your side, and you say you don’t even believe in me? I AM on your side. I always have been. NOW who’s being patient? You are 11,260 days old today! I have been waiting 11,260 days for you to come around!!! You meet me halfway and we’ll talk about granting wishes like I’m a fucking genie or something. It doesn’t work like that. Keep doing what you’re doing, but do it BETTER. And things will come around. Maybe not the way you want them to, but if you would just fucking trust me for ONE MINUTE….damn, you’re frustrating.”
…Hmph. Touche. I’d like to leave this conversation now.
“You know I’m right, that’s why.”
God, yes! Isn’t that your thing? Being right all the time?
“Would you just think about it? Please? I’m an ok guy. I have a number of people who would write me a decent reference. I’m not asking you to marry me for crying out loud, I just wanna be friends. Do you doubt all your friends like this??”
Sometimes.
“This goes back to that constant self-doubt. That is the MEANEST thing you can do! The worst! It hurts me so deeply that you would do that! You don’t believe the wonderful things I know to be true about you, the things your friends say about you…they’re your friends, why would they lie to you?? I know, you’ve been with some bad, bad people. I did that to teach you how to protect yourself from people and things that are BAD, not to cower from people and things that are obviously GOOD!! Please, ease up on yourself. Do what you want, feel however you want about whoever you want. You are beautiful, baggy eyes, uber-deluxe love-handles and all. Just listen to my words, you tell the kids that all day every day, How frustrated do you get when they look right at you, hear your words and go and do the exact opposite of what you tell them?”
…Touche, again.
“Yeah. Now multiply it by 11,260 and you get how frustrated I get sometimes.”
*shuffles feet*
“I love you. She loves you, he loves you, they love you, we love you. The only person missing is you.”
Oh come on, I love myself!
“Not like I do. Not unconditionally. You work on that. Then things will start aligning in order for you.”
How am I supposed to do that after 11,260 days of not?
“It hasn’t been that long for you. You can’t count your baby years, your toddler years. You were just tickled with yourself then. You have to get back to that. I am that i am, right? Well, you are that you are. Stop thinking about it, and just be. You can’t really go wrong. It’s so easy. And there are so many people, like you who make it so difficult. You make yourself sick making things difficult. You can’t even enjoy being sick! You body is giving you permission to go to bed at 7pm! To snuggle in bed while everyone else is out rushing around like ants! Friggin’ RELAX please!!!”
Well, when you put it like that…it does sound easy.
“THANK YOU. Shit.”
I’ll work on it. My movie is nearly finished, and my throat is sore. Can I go snuggle in bed, with my comforter around my ears, and watch my movie with an icy drink while the wind moans eerily past my window?
“What movie is it?”
Tropic Thunder.
“Oh shit, that
movie is hilarious. Yes, go. Good talk, Caitlin.”
Thanks. And yeah, it was.